XtremeXA Notes
www.xtremexa.org
xtremexa@xtremexa.org
"Work out your own salvation with fear and
trembling for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for His good
pleasure "(Philippians 2 ]2-]3)
WHAT'S
A BOUNDARY?
We
encounter physical boundaries every day. Fences, walls and signs that
distinguish property ownership; laws, rules, and codes that define acceptable
behavior; traffic lights, stop signs and street markers that guide our driving.
Personal boundaries may be harder to see but are just as important because they
define what is me and what is not me.
Personal
boundaries are limitations we put around our emotions and behavior that keep
good things in and bad things out. They include the things we allow ourselves to
say (including the use of the word "no"); what areas we avoid that are
evil or that cause us to sin; how we spend my time; the amount of work (or
ministry) we am willing to take on; the depth of relational attachment we make
with someone; the type of personal support we seek; and the ethics we choose to
live my lives by. These boundaries center around our feelings, thoughts, values,
attitude, choices and talents.
Setting
appropriate boundaries for yourself is not selfishness but good stewardship. God
has given you gifts and talents for His kingdom. When you say no to people and
activities that hurt you or are bad for you, you are protecting God's
investment. Nor do boundaries impair your relationships. Your boundaries cannot
hurt someone else because they are limits to your life alone. They are defensive
tools, not offensive ones. They may help to define your relationships, but they
never prevent you from having one.
PROBLEMS
WITH BOUNDARIES
Most
people struggle with setting boundaries in their lives, but they struggle in
different ways. Here are four common problems:
1.
Being overly compliant (saying yes to the bad): Compliant people
respond to others out of intense feelings of fear. They are afraid of hurting
others' feelings, of being abandoned, of punishment, of being shamed, of being
seen as bad or selfish or unspiritual. Because they have a strong desire not to
"rock the boat" they either don't set personal boundaries or give up
too quickly on them when conflict arises.
2.
Not being responsive (not hearing the needs of others):
Non-responsive people ignore their relational responsibilities, particularly in
the areas of communication and emotional intimacy. This usually results from a
critical spirit toward other people or being too absorbed with one's own self.
This creates insensitivity, which is a way to avoid setting boundaries by simply
opting out of the process all together.
3.
Avoiding one's own needs (saying no to the good): Avoidance is the
inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs, or to let others in.
They are people who withdraw when they need help and will not ask for support
from others. The cause is almost always insecurity and low self esteem, which
produces protective boundaries around self that are too rigid and tight.
4.
Controlling others (not respecting their boundaries): Controllers
don't respect people or their personal limits. They run over the boundaries of
others through their aggressive behavior or by manipulation. Controllers tend to
be people who are undisciplined or don't want to take responsibility for their
own life, so they compensate by trying to control the lives of others.
DEVELOPING
HEALTHY BOUNDRIES
Here
are seven things to remember in building good personal boundaries in your life:
1.
Reaping and Sowing: Reaping what we sow, also called cause and effect, is
a basic law of nature. The universe operates by it. When God tells us we will
reap what we sow He is not threatening us or punishing us, but stating how life
works (unless He chooses to intervene). Reaping what we sow can be a strong
motivator for right behavior. Change most often occurs in people when they are
finally confronted with the consequences of their actions.
(Gal.
6:7-8)
2.
Personal Responsibility: I am ultimately responsible for myself. I
can love someone else but I cannot be them. I cannot feel for them. I cannot
think for them. I cannot grow and develop for them. I can only grow myself. This
may sound self-centered but it is not. It is simply a reflection of reality. I
can influence people and they can influence me, but they are never an excuse for
who I am. The Biblical reference to spiritual growth is "work out your own
salvation with fear and trembling." (Phil. 2:12)
3.
Changes: In Christ I have the power to change (repent). I am never
powerless over sin. I may develop behaviors (like alcoholism) that are harmfiil
and appear impossible to overcome, but with the Lord's help I can change. I can
acknowledge and agree with God's truth about my problem. I can submit my
struggles to Christ. I can ask Him and people who love me for help. I can repent
from the evil I see in myself. I can seek out those I injured and make amends.
With God's help I can overcome any sin that besets me.
(James 4:7-10)
4.
Tolerance: We need to respect the boundaries of other people
whether or not their boundaries are like our own. When we respect others they
will usually respect us back. Our primary concern should not be to see people do
things our way but to obey God as they hear Him and make decisions out of real
free choice (apart from sin's domain). Freedom begets freedom. If we are
"walking by the Spirit" we should give others the freedom to do
likewise.
(Matt.
7:12)
5.
Right Motives: We should never do anything from false motives.
Examples: guilt, anger, payback, approval, fear or loneliness. In Christ we have
been called to live in freedom. It is a freedom that produces gratitude and love
in us. It enables us to keep boundaries for ourselves and others. With God, our
freedom must come before our service to Him. If we are serving Him out of wrong
motives we will fail. But if we are letting Him set us free, our motives will be
right and we will lead productive lives. (John 9:40-41)
6.
Confrontation: It is important to be concerned for the feelings of others in
setting boundaries with them. But never avoid boundaries simply because it makes
people mad or hurt. Consider whether or not your actions are helpful or hurtful
to them. As iron sharpens iron we need confrontation and truth from others to
grow. Sometimes a "no" is the best thing we can do for someone we care
about. (Eph. 4:25)
7.
Proactive Outlook: Proactive people show you what they love, what
they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. Reactive people, on the
other hand, or known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand
against, and what they will not do. They are victims with many
"against" stances. However, proactive people do not demand their
rights they live them. Their power is not something deserved but expressed. God
has called us to be proactive people. (Matt. 5:38-39)